


The Great Hall Incident

by siriusissues



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-04 21:10:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11563389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siriusissues/pseuds/siriusissues
Summary: It started out as a prank about hair dye and Remus never meant for it to go this far, but you should never mess with Sirius Black and said boy will make sure of it.





	The Great Hall Incident

**Author's Note:**

> this... is a mess. it's a complete mess and i never write crack. i also threw in some prongsfoot because i'm that bitch.

“ _ Remus John Lupin! _ ” Shrieked no other than the infamous Sirius Black.

It was a bright morning in February and although it was chilly, the Great Hall was the complete opposite with fires being lit and students and teachers sitting at their tables, filling the large room with warmth.

But that shriek, that chilling shriek that made the hairs stand up on his arms and a shiver run down his spine, made the Great Hall feel a little less… safe. Well, not  _ completely  _ unsafe. Remus could never feel unsafe because of Sirius, except for when that Merlin awful prank with Snape got out of control.

It was long ago, but it still made Remus uneasy whenever he ran into said Slytherin. Part of him was very aware of the fact that Snape could use his lycanthropy against him with no one else around. He was, after all, only forbidden to spill the secret, but that doesn’t mean he can’t mess with Remus. He doesn’t have the heart to tell Sirius about it, the older boy’s guilt already eating him alive.

Slowly he turned around and was met with the sight of an extremely irritated Sirius. His robes were flowing behind him with each step he took, tie undone and hanging loosely around his neck. His shirt was also untucked and his hair framed his face in elegant waves, wand tucked behind his ear.

Usually Remus would’ve enjoyed such a sight, because it meant that someone in the room was about to get yelled at until they were quivering with fear. He would’ve thought that at this point people would know better than to mess with Sirius, or any of the Marauders for that matter.

This time though, it wasn’t funny at all. It was dramatic as always, but what else could one expect from the disowned Black heir. He would’ve laughed, would’ve grinned that smug grin of his that people despised oh so much. But this time that ice cold glare was directed at Remus himself, and he suddenly understood why most of the other students avoided pushing Sirius’ buttons. He swallowed around the lump in his throat.

By the time Sirius had reached the Gryffindor table Remus had already began deciding what flowers he wanted at his funeral and what music should be played.  _ Jazz, _ he thought.  _ Yes, jazz will do. I’ll let Prongs decide the rest. _

“What  _ is _ this?!” Sirius shrieked twice as loud as before and mind you, this time he wasn’t standing all the way across the Great Hall. It made Remus wince.

“What is what, exactly?” He had the nerve to ask and he could almost see the headlines in the Prophet tomorrow.  _ Disowned Black heir to return after massive killing streak at Hogwarts. _

“ _ This, _ Remus!” Sirius then shouted as he pulled something out of his pocket. “What is this?!”

Remus’ eyes fell on the remotely small package in Sirius’ hand. It was black dye for hair. The younger of the pair had to resist a snicker, not  _ actually _ wanting to make the situation worse. So he collected himself and plastered his most bored look on his face as he turned his eyes back to Sirius’.

“It’s _ hair dye, _ Padfoot,” Remus told him slowly, like he was talking to a child. It only made the crease between Sirius’ brows deepen. “Don’t tell me you don’t know what hair dye is.”

“I know it’s hair dye, Rem, and I know what it’s used for!” Yelled Sirius, the frustration clear in his voice. “But why is it black? It shouldn’t be black!”

“Why not?” The younger boy asked, pushing each of Sirius’ buttons one at the time. He just wished that James and Peter were there to witness this masterpiece of a fight.

“Because- because black’s my colour!” Sirius  _ whined, _ his voice raising a couple of octaves. It was only making it harder for Remus to try and keep a straight face. Or a serious face. On the other hand, he was neither straight nor Sirius.

“No, Black’s your name, Pads,” He stated, taking every opportunity to make a smartass comment. He wasn’t usually into making scenes, unlike James and Sirius, but this time it was almost enjoyable.

“It’s my hair colour, you nutsack!” Sirius responded. If he were five years old he probably would’ve stomped his foot. Although, age surely wouldn’t stop him from doing that, anyway.

“Prongs has black hair, too,” Remus pointed out with a light shrug of his shoulders. At this point everyone in the Great Hall was watching the storm unfold before their eyes.

“Yeah but his hair’s a total mess! It doesn’t count!” The older boy shot back, like it should’ve been obvious.

“Who’s hair’s a total mess?” James asked from out of nowhere, taking a seat next to Remus. Sirius was still glaring.

“Speak of the devil,” Sirius huffed under his breath as he turned to stare at his other best mate. Remus was only a little relieved to not be the one  _ that _ glare was directed at. “And he shall appear.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” James questioned with a frown, not at all bothered with Sirius’ murderous eyes. “And what’s that?” He asked, nodding to the package still in Sirius’ death grip.

The oldest boy rolled his eyes, like James really was that slow, and, well, Remus can’t blame him. “It’s  _ hair dye, _ Prongs.”

James gasped like he was shocked, then he stood abruptly from the bench, hovering over Sirius. “I knew it! I knew it was too good to be true!”

“What in the world are you talking about?” Sirius asked, confusion slowly taking over his angry features.

“You hair!” James shouted, and like he wasn’t thinking at all, (which he wasn’t, Remus can confirm), he reaches up and grabs a handful of Sirius’ jet black hair, letting the silky strands slowly fall through his fingers. “I knew you dyed it!”

“What?” Sirius spluttered, honest to God too shocked and lost to push James’ hand away. “Why would I do that? What makes you thi--”

“You’re literally holding a package of black hair dye, Padfoot! I may be slow but honestly,  _ that  _ slow? That’s just insulting,” James claimed, still gripping Sirius’ hair. Remus was watching with laughter threatening to escape his lips any moment now. He wished with all he had that he could record this moment and store it forever.

“Merlin, Sirius, do you actually dye your hair black? My whole childhood’s a lie!” Somebody shouted from a few tables away.

“Reg, you can’t possibly believe that I dye my fucking hair black! You traitorous little brother, I will chop yours off if you do--”

Once again Sirius was interrupted by James who was tugging at his hair. “So it’s true!” He gasped. His eyes were wide and his jaw was slack and normally Sirius would’ve just shoved a piece of bread into it to mess with him but this was most certainly not a normal situation.

“Oh so you’d rather believe my brother than me?!” He shot back, fixing James with a new glare. “Prongs you absolute ratshit! Everyone in my family has black hair!”

“Tha’s why your surname’s Black, right?” Asked Peter who had only just now arrived at the scene.

“Oh Salazar’s beard, you can’t _ seriously _ believe that, can you?”

“No but you can,  _ Sirius. _ ”

“Nice one, Prongs,” Said Peter with his mouth stuffed with cereal.

Remus shrugged when Sirius turned to look at him, eyes pleading. “You brought this on yourself, mate.”

“Ah, thanks, Rem.”

It was gonna be a long day.

 

_ _ _

 

“Alright boys, serio--” Sirius cut himself off when he saw the mischievous sparkle in James’ eyes. “No but… _ not kiddingly, _ you can’t dye you hair black, Moony.”

Said Marauder didn’t even bother to look up from the book he was currently reading, only turned the page slowly. “And why’s that?” He asked.

“You know why,” Sirius huffed, snatching the snitch from James who was playing with it on the floor.”

“I think it’d suit you,” Peter chimed in as he exited the bathroom, toothbrush in his mouth.

“Why thank you, Pete,” Remus threw him a smile before returning to his book. Sirius glared.

“I’m serious! You can’t!” And the same second the words had slipped past his lips, he realized his mistake. He wished he could just punch the grin off of James’ face and Remus actually had the guts to snicker. _ What a bastard. _

“Hello,  _ Sirius! _ Fancy seeing you here,” James said, wiggling his eyebrows. Sirius really felt like sending his best mate to the hospital wing for a couple of days.

“Shut up! Shut up, James, before I hex you!” Sirius shouted, his grey eyes blazing. It did not, in fact, have the wanted effect on James.

“Well, why don’t you make me,” James shot back. With only one brow raised, he sat up straight on the floor, his hazel eyes piercing Sirius.

“How am I supposed to make you?” Sirius questioned. He picked up a pillow and considering throwing it at James’ stupid face, but decided against it when he realized he probably had to get up and get it afterwards.

“Oh my God,” Remus muttered from behind his book, soft eyes peeking over the cover. “Just fucking kiss already.”

“Is that a dare, Lupin? Very well, then,” Sirius huffed back.

Before Remus had a chance to reply though, Sirius had already slid off of his bed and down onto the floor. He had James’ face in a death grip, but it didn’t seem to bother the younger boy  _ at all _ from the way he was snogging his best mate with everything he had.

It was adorable, really, even though Peter choked on his toothpaste and Remus had to bang him on the back with his book until the poor boy had stop coughing and his breathing only was a little bit more rapid than usual. James now owed him a great favour, and he, on the other hand, owed Marlene ten galleons.  _ Stupid bet. Why did Sirius have to kiss James first and not the other way around? _

 

_ _ _

 

“Evans, you’ve got to help me!” Sirius exclaimed like it depended on life or death. The boy almost fell into the chair opposite the auburn haired girl.

She raised an eyebrow at him, only throwing him a quick glance before dipping her quill into some ink and returning to her parchment. “And why’s that, Black?” She asked, having the nerve to sound bored. Sirius let it slip.

“I kissed James on a dare and now he won’t stop singing ‘Lay All Your Love on Me’ and really I usually wouldn't mind, but it’s so out of tune I’m positive my ears are bleeding!” The Marauder boy explained loudly with unnecessarily many hand movements. They were, after all, in the library.

“And why exactly should  _ I _ care?” She then asked, like she actually thought she wasn’t involved in this at all. (She weren’t, Sirius is just dramatic like that.)

But before Sirius had a chance to part his lips and respond, Marlene McKinnon who was also sitting by the table, interrupted him. It’s not like one actually can interrupt someone who’s not even speaking, but Sirius felt interrupted. Poor boy. She said, “Wait,  _ you _ kissed James?”

Sirius shrugged. “Yeah, well--” But this time she actually did interrupt him and he frowned.  _ How dare she. _

“As in you two kissed but you kissed him first, yeah? He didn’t kiss you first?”

And really, Sirius understood the question perfectly fine, but it was so odd and out of place that he actually had to think for a moment. This did not support his claims of actually being pretty clever.

“No? I kissed him first?” He then responded, not quite wanting to know where this conversation was headed.

“Great! That’s great!” She expressed happily as she collected all her stuff laying around on the dark wooden table, shoving it all into her bag and throwing it over her shoulder as she stood hastily. “Pardon me, but I’ve got ten galleons to collect. See you later, Lils! Bye, Sirius!”

The two remaining Gryffindors watched her leave and when she no longer could be seen after rounding a corner, Sirius turned his attention back to the girl sitting before him.

“That was strange,” he mumbled under his breath. “Anyway! It’s your fault, Evans.”

She rolled her eyes and put her quill down, folding her hands on the table. “It’s my fault that you snogged James?”

“No, that’s Moony’s fault,” he brushed her off with a wave of his hand, then explained, “It’s your fault that he won’t stop bothering me with his hideous singing voice.”

“Really,” she said. It wasn’t even a question. “Why?” That was a question, but she did not sound genuinely interested in knowing why.

“Because!” Sirius started, flailing with his hands again. “Because you’re the one who introduced him to ABBA or whatever the hell they’re called!”

“That… actually wasn’t me,” she pointed out.

Sirius blinked at her, eyes wide with confusion. “It wasn’t?” She shook her head. “Then who-- actually, I don’t even wanna know. I’m still going to blame you. He’s your Head Boy.”

“Merlin, I honestly didn’t expect such lack of logic from you, Black. But I’m also not surprised, like, not even a teeny tiny bit surprised,” she said, rolling her eyes to make a statement. “He’s your boyfriend! Take some responsibility for once!”

Sirius gasped, putting a hand over his chest like she had just hexed him, or worse,  _ cursed _ him  _ and _ his future children. “He’s not my boyfriend!” He hissed, looking around to check for any eavesdroppers.

“No? What a shame, then,” she said casually, deciding that Sirius’ dramatics was way less important than her essay which she returned to. Again.

“That’s like saying McKinnon’s your girlfriend or whatever,” he pointed out, voice still absolutely hysteric.

“How do you know she’s not?” Lily shot back without looking up from whatever she was writing at the moment.

To say Sirius Black was stunned is an understatement. He didn’t say a thing as he got up and left.

 

_ _ _

 

“Evans is shagging McKinnon!” Shrieked Sirius as he stormed into the Marauders’ dormitory.

He was met with three heads turning to stare at him, disbelief written on his friends’ faces. Even Remus had switched his attention from his book to the boy panting in the doorway. Sirius slammed the door shut.

“Padfoot, you’ve got to stop sharing your weird fantasies with us, alright,” Remus said, brushing his friend off.

“No, I’m telling you! Evans and McKinnon are  _ so _ a thing!”

“Please stop flapping your arms around like that, it’s stressing me out,” Peter piped up from where he was sitting on his bed. Sirius ignored him.

“How do you know, then?” James questioned, glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose.

“I ran into Evans at the library - yes the library, Moony, stop looking so shocked, it’s insulting - and she called James my boyfriend - which was just totally random, no strange conversation leading up to it - and I was like, “well that’s like calling McKinnon your girlfriend,” and she was like, “how do you know she’s not?” and I’m telling you they. Are. Shagging!”

At that Peter gasped and fell off his bed then stumbling on his feet as he made to stand up. “They totally are! Oh Merlin, Pads!”

“Stop sounding so excited, Wormtail. Two girls shagging shouldn’t be some kind of fetish of yours,” Remus chimed in, even though his attention was back to the book in his lap. It made Peter blush and shut his mouth.

“Oh, Remus, I’m just excited!” Sirius exclaimed with a bright grin and a lot of hand gestures. “I knew Evans is gay! I knew it! I mean, it was kinda obvious after all the times she turned Prongs down, eh, Jamie?”

“ _ Or _ she could just not be that into him,” Remus pointed out.

“Shut up, Moony, you’re ruining all the fun,” Sirius said with a pout. He then turned to look at James who had been unusually quiet this whole time.

“What?” James asked when he felt Sirius looking at him.

“You alright there, mate?” The oldest of the group asked, taking a few steps forward to get a better look at his friend. “You’re a bit quiet, tha’s all.”

“Yeah, I’m-- your boyfriend, Sirius? She thinks I’m your boyfriend?” He almost shouted. It made Sirius flinch.

“Well, I wouldn’t say she actually believes you’re my boyfriend, she just mentioned it,” Sirius explained.

“Yeah, alright, then what did you tell her?” The younger of the pair asked with a huff. “Are  _ you my _ boyfriend?”

“I don’t know!” Sirius shouted and crossed his arms. “Do  _ you  _ want me to be?”

“Sorry to interrupt,” Peter _ interrupted  _ oh so kindly, pointing a thumb over his shoulder. “But why is there, like, ten packages of black hair dye on the bathroom floor?”

“Remus!” Sirius yelled, turning away from James to glare at his other friend. “Would you stop it!”

“What?” Remus asked with a bored expression on his face. “Just thought you might need some for your luscious locks, Padfoot.”

 

_ _ _

 

Sirius was going to transfer schools, really, he was. He couldn’t possibly stay at Hogwarts any longer, even though it was his very last term and he was going to graduate in a couple of months. His reputation was ruined,  _ completely ruined, _ and there was nothing left to do to fix it besides escaping.

“What am I supposed to do!” Sirius groaned as his  _ boyfriend _ held him tight, whispering soothing words into his hair that Sirius oh so politely ignored.

It’s been a month,  _ a whole month, _ since the hair dye incident in the Great Hall. Or what Sirius likes to refer it as:  _ ‘The Day My Life Was Brutally Murdered by the One and Only Remus Lupin.’ _

He can’t stand being seen outside of the dormitory anymore, his time now being spent dodging comments about hair and dye and hair dye. Even the poor first years believe that he bloody dyes his hair, like he doesn’t have the best fucking genes in the history of science.

James and Sirius were on their way to the Headmaster, Sirius having convinced his boyfriend that quitting at Hogwarts was the only way to save his own ass, as they overheard a conversation taking place around the corner of the hallway.

Sirius stopped walking, pulling James back as the oblivious boy was about to round the corner, giving their position away. He was met with a confused frown.

“Listen,” Sirius hissed, shoving James in the ribs with his pointy elbow. Rubbing his side, James did listen.

“Really,” an unknown voice said with a snicker, “I can’t believe Lupin still has Black tricked!”

That made Sirius frown, because why would Remus trick his little brother? Or more importantly, why would Remus trick  _ him? _

“Yeah, like, we know his hair’s black, we’re not stupid. It’s just hilarious to see the oh so confident Sirius Black completely freak out over something stupid, like his hair!” Said another voice. It gained even more snickers.

And really, Sirius would’ve been offended because his hair is  _ not _ stupid, but he was too busy plotting Remus’ death to even consider interrupting the conversation taking place.

“Remus thinks he’s smart, huh,” Sirius muttered, dragging James along with him back to the dormitory. “Just not smart enough to realize that you should never, never ever, mess with a Black.”

 

_ _ _

 

Breakfast the following morning was something  _ extra, _ to say the least. A large group of non-Gryffindors were standing around the Gryffindor table and whispers could be heard all around the Great Hall. Sirius swore that he overheard McGonagall gossip, too.

When James entered the Great Hall, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes then putting on his glasses, Sirius was nowhere to be found. He couldn’t see the other boy  _ anywhere, _ not even at the Slytherin table to mess with his little brother.

He spotted Lily and Marlene after a while, the two girls sitting and chatting with their friend, Mary. James swiftly started to make his way over to them, pushing through the crowd of students blocking the Gryffindor table.

Then he heard a familiar voice. A very  _ familiar _ voice. The voice of Sirius Black, that is. Moving his direction from Lily and her friends to his boyfriend, he pushed through more students, elbows knocking into his sides over and over again. When he finally caught sight of Sirius his breath hitched and he swore time stopped.  _ I’m still asleep, _ he thought.  _ This is just a dream. _

But it wasn’t just a dream, no. And that’s why he shrieked “What have you done?!” at the top of his lungs, grabbing fistfuls of Sirius’ hair. The whole hall fell silent, everyone’s attention now on the two Gryffindors.

Sirius rolled his eyes as he pushed James' hands away, muttering something about the younger boy messing up his hair with his dirty hands.

“It’s not real, is it?” James had to ask, dreading the answer.

“Why, Prongs, of course it’s real!” Sirius said with a bright grin, planting a smacking kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek. “It’s called hair bleach, love. Look it up.”

“I know what hair bleach is, Padfoot!” James then said, frustration laced through his voice. “I just-- why would you do this to your beautiful, beautiful hair?”

“Revenge, Jamie boy. Revenge,” he responded with that sparkle in his eyes that only could mean one thing; mischief.

It didn’t take long for Remus and Peter to join them at the table and when they did, Remus’ eyes widened in horror that he quickly masked with a frown. “What’s up with your hair, Padfoot?” He asked.

“Oh Remus dear, my boy, sweetpea, this is my  _ real  _ hair,” Sirius explained with that smirk of his that made everyone swoon, regardless of their gender. “You know, you went around spilling my secret about the hair dye and at first I was  _ devastated _ because how  _ could _ you, but then I thought that maybe it was time to embrace my natural hair, so I did.”

“Are you bloody serious?” Remus questioned, trying to resist his urge to smash his face against the table.

“That’s Sirius Blonde to you now, mister,” Sirius stated with a proud grin, head leaning against James’ shoulder.

Remus had no idea what in the world he’s done in a previous life to have deserved all the bullshit that comes with Sirius Black. Whatever it is, he regrets it with all his being.

“You look like Narcissa,” complained James, wrapping his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Prongs,  _ deer, _ I’m way more beautiful than Cissy.”

 

_ _ _

 

Remus had to put an end to this. It’s only been a week since Sirius had bleached his hair platinum blonde but he already had everybody at Hogwarts convinced that his natural hair colour isn’t, in fact, black and that he’s been dyeing it since he was two years old. Bloody  _ two years old, _ dammit. The Marauder boy is sure that even Regulus, Sirius’ annoying bastard little brother, believes that his older brother is a natural blonde.

Remus is now also convinced that neither Black brother is naturally bright.

He can’t take it anymore. It has to stop. He’s sick of watching Sirius strut around the school like some  _ Malfoy, _ blonde hair flowing behind him like he’s fucking Rapunzel in all her glory. At first James was unsure of the situation as well, but lately he’s been warming up to the idea of shagging some blonde Prince, like being a Black actually makes one royalty, like Sirius’ mother believes.

It’s gone so far that Remus is prepared to swallow his pride and eat his own dignity spoon after spoon, only to make it all stop. And that’s why he can’t seem to find Sirius soon enough.

“ _ Sirius Orion Black! _ ” He shouted as he burst through the door to the Marauders’ dormitory. The rest of the group were already there, attention now turned to where he was standing in the middle of the room.

Sirius blinked at him. He was laying on James’ bed with his head in his boyfriend’s lap, said boyfriend combing his fingers through his blonde locks. “What is it now, Moony?”

“This has got to stop! I can’t take it anymore!” Remus responded and for a second he expected a grin of victory from the blonde for finally making Remus crack. He got nothing.

“Really, Rem, be a bit more clear. I have no bloody idea what you’re talking about.”

“Your hair!” Shrieked Remus and to this day he absolutely refuses to admit that he sounded  _ exactly _ like Sirius. “I’m sick of it! You win! You can turn it back now, alright, you win, just turn it black again!”

Sirius shrugged and sat up to get a better look at his friend, James’ fingers slipping from his hair. “I can’t,” he told Remus.

“Why not?!” He asked, a deep frown on his scarred features.

“Cause I bleached it! It’s permanent! I didn’t charm it to look blonde, it’s real!” Sirius then explained.

“Can’t you just dye it black, then?” Peter asked from his bed, watching his two friends with wide eyes and slack jaw.

“No, Peter, I cannot dye it because that’s basically admitting that I do dye my hair black, which I don’t, but if I did then Remus would be right so I can’t dye it because the only reason I bleached it was to make Moony lose,” Sirius explained, shrugging again. “Sorry, mate.”

“Merlin’s bollocks,” Remus groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. Neither of their pranks were well thought through or planned, for that matter. It wasn’t even supposed to be a prank. He just wanted to dye his hair black.

“But black was my colour,” Sirius said with a pout after Remus had voiced his thoughts. “You could’ve dyed your hair grey.”

“Why on earth would I dye my hair god damn grey, Sirius?” Remus then asked, exhaustion clear in his voice.

“Because wolves are grey, you git,” he responded like it was the most obvious thing in the world. (It wasn’t.)

“There are black wolves, too!”

At that Peter gasped and turned to stare at Sirius with a shocked expression. “You’re a wolf, Padfoot?”

“No I’m n-- you know what, I’m not even gonna try. At this point even _ I _ can’t tell if you’re kidding or if you’re just that much of a rat.”

And it’s been a few years, but whenever Remus feel a bit down and very, very alone, he digs up his most treasured photographs and when he sees the photos of Sirius Black with bright platinum hair he smiles, remembering that awful prank that went so horribly wrong. But Sirius did end up with a boyfriend for a while and Remus eventually got permission to dye his hair black even though he no longer wanted to.

He tries not to think of it too much, or too long, but now and then his mind slips and he finds himself wondering if Sirius’ black hair has grown back yet. It’s been a couple of years since he last saw the other man and he didn’t have much blonde left in his hair then. It shouldn’t be any left at all by this point, but Remus has no idea, because he can’t visit him.

He imagines Sirius with blonde hair again, looking like an angel. He had dressed up as one for hallowe’en the year they graduated, clothes all white and wings on his back. Only his combat boots had been black with red laces. It hurts. He doesn’t like remembering.

_ Angels shouldn’t be thrown into Azkaban. _

**Author's Note:**

> was the end necessary? probably not!
> 
> i know 'lay all your love on me' is from the 80s, trust me with abba trivia, i'm a swede. i just couldn't resist.


End file.
